White Privilege

his skin is
beautiful
but he speaks
of the colonialism
that’s embedded
in it and
the oppression
he was born
from

his skin is beautiful
but his mother
preferred the
milky white tones
of the other boy
she birthed
and made sure
he knew it

his skin is beautiful
but the white man’s
ignorance
is grand

he tells me he works
in what his
white peers
call ‘the exotic room’

this makes me want
to cry
fragile white tears

his skin is beautiful
but i don’t dare
tell him that
after the talk
we just had
my whiteness
wrapping its
hands around my
throat and squeezing
so hard
that my
vocal chords
fall out

I wasn’t aware of my own ignorance and privilege until I talked to this boy. I have posted some tools on how we as white people can become an ally to our black communities. Racism exists everywhere, even in a country that I thought was pretty liberal. I am Dutch and the more I learn about our country’s history, the more I realise I know nothing. Stay safe, be kind and keep and open mind and heart. Listen.

Churri

you look at me
and i look at the lines
next to your eyes
as the sun
goes down
behind tall buildings
and sleepy homes
tonight

deep purple oranges
blue and black rays
mixed
with hungry
street lights

the church bell tolls
a cigarette burns
next to
a half emptied
bottle of wine

you hover over me
with that look
on your face

and in that moment
i realise

there is
nowhere
left
to hide

Eindhoven in the Summertime

he asked me
if i would go analy
she said
while crossing
the zebra

there are three
of them
all blond and giggly
and i probably
wasn’t supposed
to hear that

i’m walking around
his city
which used to be mine
long before he
arrived
all hopes
and ambition
and with an accent
that makes my knees
shake

it looks like it is about to rain

i pass a striped top
with big tits
under the bridge
she reminds me
of that girl
who told me
my ex was still
living
with his wife

i text you
that i’m horny

the sun reflects
on the pavement
and the statue
of a maiden
pouring oil
for all eternity
catches my eye

i will sort you out
when we i get home
you say

home

i listen to the tapping
of a blind man’s cane
against the curb

the uber eats biker
pulls a face
and i give him
the finger

home
you said
and that’s exactly
what it feels like

Saturday Night

he has the eyes
of a puppy dog
and knows
how to use them

dark chest hair
above the collar
of his shirt
turns me on
like a house
on fire

i watched you dance

his arms
are around my hips
when lightning
makes its way
across a darkened sky
the red neon letters
of a nearby hotel
standing tall
and bloody
in the night

i watched you smoke

it is difficult
to meet someone
she says

his best friend
with the long
brown hair
lights another
cigarette

i saw you smile

he is talking
to his friend
on the other side
of the balcony
but his eyes
return to me
every single time

i watched you drink

his hand is in mine
my face on his chest
as we slowly move
our tired bodies
to imaginary music
and i wonder if this
is what i had been
looking for
when i really already
know the answer

Spotlight

my brother’s
pancreatic tumour
started to bleed
and that friend
i told you about
had a blood pressure of
seventy over twenty

holy shit
i say
even though
i am really tired
and had a shitty shift
and really just want
to go to bed

holy shit

and i think of the musicians
and the actors
and the models
and the influencers
talking about corona as if we are all gonna live like this forever
and their lives are over
because they thrive in the spotlights
and people don’t need them
when they are too busy
just surviving
and then i look at my workmate
and there is no spotlight
but despite the pancreatic cancer
and despite the deadly blood pressure
she is getting ready for a nightshift
at the care home
and i wonder
where her spotlight is
where the cameras are
and where the fans
are hiding

Dying Pixel Dust

i erase your existence
from my phone
by clicking
the trash icon
on each individual
image we took
not building a life
together
but memories
all the same

years worth
of history
destroyed
in seconds

i kiss
no one

look at
no one

love
no one

suffer for
no one

as i rewrite
my story

this time
i am
the leading lady
i always was
without you

as i watch
your smile
reduced
to dying
pixel
dust